A dear friend and colleague of mine, Yvonne Winkler, wrote a book: Freedom Seeker. So much of her story deeply resonated with me, as I am sure will with so many other women who’ve been through the burnout cycle, drowning ourselves in whatever our vice we choose while in denial of how unhappy or unfulfilled we are. It’s for the dreamer in us that knows there is so much more…
I’m so incredible proud of her. Here are some particular excerpts from the book that I want to note down as the words really hit home.
Excerpts
3 LINE IN THE SAND
- Having lived through both systems , I could see the similarities between the communist regime and capitalism . What were physical barbed wire fences and political brainwashing to control the folk of East Germany , were now the shackles of overwhelming debt , consumerism , and the grand illusion of certainty .
- The shell of the identity I had carefully crafted each morning before heading to work was cracking . Every footprint in the sand was another story that got rinsed away with the next swell .
- With each day that I lit up , my sense of self – worth faded considerably and my need for validation and love grew .
5 WALKING ON FIRE
- I tried to sum up nine months of backpacking into a few hours , something I was noticing I wasn’t quite ready for . I didn’t know how to talk about my experiences in a way that made sense to my friends and family , and so I often just hit the highlights and downplayed even those when I got the feeling they were asking out of politeness and not because they really wanted to know .
6 BURN OUT
- I did everything the experts said . I invested heavily into my business and only asked of my clients what I was prepared to do for myself . I collaborated with other business owners and referred them to my clients . I kept an open mind to learning , and I recited my affirmations every day . I got visible , I made offers and defined my ideal audience . It seemed like it worked for everyone else but me . Daily updates on Instagram validated that . Something was clearly wrong with me . I needed to do better . I needed to become a better businessperson who can run a successful company .
7 THE BREAK WE NEEDED
- Den was a resolute man . Once he made up his mind about something he saw it through . I wished I could be normal like that .
- For me , it was a new opportunity to show him that I’m a useful contributor and not just a drain on our family’s income .
- A.A . , much like the world I navigated , was created by upper – middle – class white men for upper – middle – class white men . Fuck the patriarchy . Women don’t need to be fixed ; we need a community where we can be who we are , unapologetically .
- Alcohol , being a highly addictive substance , floods our brain with the chemical dopamine , robbing us of our natural dopamine production , which results in us needing more . Just like other drugs , only legal and highly commercialized . Wine , it seemed , was the only thing that comforted me and that was in my control .
- Wine , just like cigarettes , was my gateway to fitting in . Without it , I’m the outsider again .
8 EMPIRES VS COMMUNITIES
- Going to these things always came with high levels of anxiety for me , unless I was a volunteer , exhibitor , speaker or otherwise involved with the event . The mindless chitchat and exchange of business cards that I would later find in the lobby garbage can , not to mention figuring out how to insert myself into a conversation , usually had me running for the nearest bar where I could sooth my nerves with a glass of wine .
- The Desire Map : A Guide to Creating Goals with Soul . “ Knowing how you actually want to feel is the most potent form of clarity that you can have . Generating those feelings is the most powerfully creative thing you can do with your life . ” This epiphany , that I can have everything I wanted now by generating feelings , not things , triggered a tsunami in my heart that washed away an archaic belief that only when I had the house , the money , the car , and the exotic trips would I be fulfilled .
- # girlboss . But the routine of being pretty but natural , hardworking and self – caring , kind but assertive , successful and zen , on point with the latest fashion but sustainably sourced , and my all – time favorite , being an authentic leader a.k.a . pretend you have it all together , was killing us one glass of wine at a time .
- I spent my entire career fixing myself to become more like a man , ditching my feminine qualities so that I appeared stronger , less emotional , to gain acceptance amongst my peers . Once I had built my empire , I could use that money and influence to affect the change I wanted to see in the world but first I must make it there . That was the model I had followed and it only left me physically , mentally , and emotionally exhausted .
- Kerry had once said that the way I empower myself was by healing my trauma , and the way to heal my trauma was in community .
- Park my business ? That was not a conceivable option . It sounded like defeat , and I was not ready to walk away from all the sweat and tears I had poured into it .
9 GOING HOME
- Worst of all I felt like a hypocrite . Here I was on a soapbox about equality , empowerment , and selfcare and yet I secretively soothed my pain every night with a bottle of red .
- Being very intentional and conscious of my behaviors , thoughts , and environment forced me to be in the present moment . The concept wasn’t new to me but the implementation and reality of it was .
- With each prayer of forgiveness I let go of another shackle . That’s what I believe the wise sages mean when they say freedom comes from within . It can’t be bought , it’s not in a place , it’s the peace we find within ourselves when we finally recognize that who we are is where we belong .
- I began to radiate my true essence . That , in turn , attracted the people who could love me for who I was , not who they needed me to be .
AUTHORS NOTE
- The fuller we are , the more generous we can become .